Portal speedrunners are using an unexpected tool, a coffee mug, to set blistering records for the swiftest character death.

Coffee Mug Slays in Breakneck Portal Speedruns

If you wanted a showdown for the ages, you got it, folks! This time, the weapon of choice isn't a razor-thin lightsaber, a humongous war hammer or even deadly magic, but a... coffee mug? That's right, welcome to the strange and riveting world of Portal speedruns, where players are going toe-to-toe, not to see who can clear a level the fastest, but who can die quickest. And yes, in case you're wondering, the cake is indeed a lie.

Just recently, one speedrunner with the fitting handle of Pr0tal ('pro'-PORTAL... get it?) tightened on the current record for fastest character death. Previously, the record stood firm at an impressive 0.885 seconds but Mr. Pr0tal here simply scoffed at that, obliterating it with the explosive accuracy of 0.855 seconds! I know what you're thinking, "That's merely a minuscule 0.03 second difference, who cares?", and you'd be right, ordinarily. However, when you consider that entire sport where events take place in less than a second, even a fraction of a second snatched is big deal.

So exactly how does one accomplish such a feat? Well, Portal players are resourceful lot. At the start of the game, Chell, our stalwart character, wakes up in a test chamber. Among the usual assortment of items, we find a plain coffee cup. Cue an 'aha' moment. Pr0tal explains, "When I actually jump onto the cup for some reason it gives me a bunch of speed," he further adds, "launching me into the radio which kills me." Basically, take a brick wall, a high-speed vehicle, and a hapless passenger. The wall is the radio and the cup...yup, you guessed it, the vehicle.

Pr0tal spent a few hours perfecting his technique to dethrone the previous record holder Hrvatskii. However, in the breakneck world of Portal, records are well... as short-lived as the test subjects. Pr0tal's gleaming record was overtaken by another speedrunner, Floorb, who clocked a smashing 0.84 seconds using, dare we say, the infamous coffee cup method.

Turns out, Pr0tal wasn't ready to sip defeat from the cup quite yet. Not to be outdone, he too recorded a death in the same 0.84 seconds. However, in true cliffhanger style, he's holding off on revealing the video of his attempt. "I think I might try to beat it first," he says, teasing a new record perhaps?

Apart from Pr0tal and Floorb, another player Korgus also reached the coveted 0.84 seconds using ye olde coffee cup. I suppose we shouldn't online-shop for mugs carelessly anymore. Pretty clear, the mug isn't a morning pick-you-up anymore, it is fast becoming a virtual velocity vector of sorts. Who knows, they might even get awarded a cake upon record breaking performance from none other than GLaDOS. Now the question is who will tip the scale, er... cup first and claim that glory? I caff-ein-ly can't wait to see how this brews up. And if you're fond of puzzles that twist your brain into pretzels, you might enjoy games like Portal.

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Adam Devine

Hey, it's Adam Devine here! When I'm not out and about, you can bet I'm either casting a line, hoping for the biggest catch, or lounging at home, delivering some epic fatalities in Mortal Kombat. Life's all about the thrill of the catch and the perfect combo move. Whether I'm battling fish or virtual foes, it's all in a day's fun for me. Let's get reel and play on!

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